As he was pouring my next beer, I told him “I have a tip for you that will let you sell 25% more beer.” His eyes lit up with interest so I gave him my advice: “Just fill the glasses up to the full line.”

"You should put up heavier curtains in your bedroom," one man says. "I could see you making love to your wife last night." "That shows how good your eyesight is," says the other with a laugh. "I wasn't even home last night!"

Turns out I was too drunk to drive the bus as well.

A milk-white Eastern dude headed West for the good of his health, and invested in a saloon. The seller advised him that folks thereabouts were mostly friendly, but if ever he heard that Big John was a-coming to town, he should light out of there real quick. So one day our dude is tending bar when the batwing doors burst open and a panicky looking townsman yells "Big John's a-coming!". Moments later the bar is deserted, the batwing doors flapping back and forth, a dart in mid-flight settles in the board, the piano dies away to silence, and the wheel o'fortune is still spinning down in the corner, and the dude is just picking himself up off the floor. Then he hears a thunder of hooves and before he can do anything, a giant of a man rides up on a buffalo, dismounts, punches the buffalo between the eyes and snarls "Stay there!" and tosses the rattlesnake he was using as a whip into a corner of the bar-room as he barges up to the bar. "Gimme a beer!" he barks, and the dude complies straight away, and slides a whisky chaser next to it without being asked. The giant slams both of them down in two gulps, and the dude nervously asks if he wouldn't like another one. "Are you kidding?" roars the giant. "I'm a-gettin' outta here! Don't you know Big John's a-coming?"

Look Ma! It's shooting Starlettes!

With the pizza, you can eat the crust.

He approaches and sees a woman with no arms and legs laying on a towel. “Is everything okay?” He asks “No” she says “because I have no arms or legs I’ve never been kissed” The man looks around to be sure no one is looking and then leans down and gives the woman a kiss. “Oh thank you so much!” She exclaimed. The man jogged along, happy he could help the woman. The very next day the man is jogging along the beach and again hears a woman crying. As he approaches he sees the same woman and again asks what’s wrong. “Well, as you can see I have no arms or legs and therefore have never been fucked” she says. The man looks around nervously to be sure nobody is looking, quickly picks the woman up and tosses her into the ocean and yells: “There! Now you’re fucked!”

What do you call a flying horse with a prosthetic leg? A peg-legasus

One from his mama.

We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

I said "Cause there is a City Wide Fire Ban

Not the right kind of apple watch apparently. I'm there to always disappoint.

Because he was hoping for a panter or a moaner

It's cool, until you whip it out and start shoving it other people's faces.

Among the more famous mathemeticians in history, like Descartes, or Newton, Liebnitz, or Fibonnacci, there as a fellow who is somwhat less well known named DeHorst. . Helmholt DeHorst lived in the early 1500's. Like his contemporary René Descartes, he prseneted many papers at the Royal Society. One of his special interests was charts and graphs, but his rival René beat him to it with his Cartesian system of coordinates. This is why math historians always put Descartes before DeHorst.

He's always looking into my Is

The poor Ottomans Once mighty, ultimately, A place for de feet

Mashin' Impossible.

The kind one hit 10 times, and the evil one hit 2 times. Because good always triumphs over evil.

And the actors pipe up and say ‘we are forming Equity because we need people to speak for us’ The singers and musicians overhear them and say ‘Ah well in that case we want an International Federation of Musicians, because we are the ones who need people to speak for us’ This catches the attention of the writers who say ‘Well if you two get people who speak for you then we want a screenwriters guild’ And then the ventriloquist says ‘we’ll be fine’

so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Fet-ish, for sure

I think I need to banana.

Human Bing

An elderly couple were spending the weekend with their adult grandchildren, staying overnight on Saturday before heading home Sunday evening. When the grandfather found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's bathroom cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said to him, "I don't think you should take one. They're quite strong and very expensive." "How much?" his grandfather asked him. "$10 a pill," his grandson replied. "I don't mind the cost, but I'd still like to try one, and before we leave, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called his grandfather and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110." "Yeah I know, the $100 is from your grandma!"

Because they caught him looking at stenography.

They didn't planet that way.

A Pastor is at home when one of his mates drops by and invites him out to go out and do some hunting. The Pastor tells his mate, “I’m not real sure about that idea - the only place we can hunt around here is up at Old Joe’s, and he absolutely hates me.” Despite the misgivings, the Pastor’s mate manages to convince him to at least give it a go, and they pull up at Old Joe’s place. The Pastor says, “I don’t want Joe thinking I’m riding on your coat tails, so I’ll go up and ask him myself, and if he says no, then so be it” His mate agrees and waits nervously in the car while the Pastor goes up to the door. When Old Joe answers, he greets the Pastor really warmly. He says, “Pastor, I’ve been meaning to thank you - my wife came home a new woman after your sermon last Sunday, she’s stopped nagging, and she’s been really civil to me, the transformation has been absolutely incredible. Is there any way I can thank you?” The Pastor is quite taken aback by this unexpected welcome, but explains that they came in the hopes of being able to do some shooting on the property. Old Joe willingly agrees, then pauses for a second, and asks, “Hey Pastor, since you’re here, and you’ve got your rifle, could you do me a big favour? ‘Bessy’, my oldest cow that I’ve had almost forever, is really on her last legs - the vet told me I should put her down, but she’s won me so many prizes over the years. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Do you think you could do it for me?” Taken aback by the welcome, he willingly agrees. As he’s walking back toward the car, he sees his mate watching him anxiously through the windscreen, and realises his mate hasn’t heard any of the conversation. The Pastor decides to play a bit of a prank on his mate. He throws the car door open, jumps in, grabs his rifle, and says, “That cantankerous old so and so - he just called me every name under the sun - he used theological words in combinations I’ve never heard, but I’ll get him back - that’s ‘Bessy’ his prize-winning cow over there, but Watch this !!” Then aiming his rifle out the window, takes careful aim, and drops old Bessy dead. Before the Pastor can turn back toward his mate to see his reaction, there’s a second almighty bang, and his mate says, “And I just got the old bastard’s prize bull, let’s get out of here!!”

It was out in bumfuck nowhere.

An arm and a leg.